Non-Toxic Thankfulness
The act of being thankful or practicing gratitude is a tremendously powerful tool in psychology. It can do a lot to provide perspective and allow people to cultivate a more balanced perception of life events. Unfortunately, it’s a technique that has been commandeered by the toxically positive. The new age, happiness-is-a-choice, Pollyanna folk who conflate suppression of negative emotions with robust mental health. These are the life coaches, therapists, and well-meaning friends who will tell you to practice gratitude when you’re sad or angry about something that you have every reason to feel sad or angry about, almost as if to say you should use gratitude to suppress or erase the unpleasant feeling. Needless to say, I find this approach maddening.
The utility of thankfulness comes not in its ability to sweep away negative emotions, but in its ability to bring back perspective when thoughts become distorted. It is a remedy for unrealistic thoughts, not for uncomfortable feelings. For instance, if a thief steals your car, you are likely to be very sad, angry, confused, and afraid. These feelings are all valid and should be experienced. Loss is a process; it is healthy to grieve. If someone came along and told you to “look on the bright side,” after getting your car stolen, it would most likely feel invalidating or insulting. I personally would tell that person (in a very poised and professional way, of course) to go pound sand. An initial emotional reaction to a negative event isn’t the time to try and counter your feelings with forced positivity, that’s the time to be present with your feelings and practice some self-compassion. Your car got stolen. That sucks. Sit with the suckiness.
Fast forward a few days or weeks later, and you now find yourself thinking that you’re cursed. That the universe or some deity has it out for you. Maybe you start thinking about how unfair it is that all these other lucky bastards have their cars and you have to take the bus until you can afford a new one. At this point, your initial grief has turned into distorted thoughts and beliefs about your situation. Now, your THINKING is impacted by what has happened and is no longer in line with reality. This distorted thinking then continues to cultivate negative emotions of anger, jealousy, and sadness. However, these feelings are no longer about the initial loss (though some of those may remain), they are about the thoughts and beliefs you have developed as a result of your negative experience.
At this point, practicing gratitude (along with other cognitive-behavioral techniques such as reality checking) can help bring your thoughts into balance and keep you from creating more suffering or prolonging your current suffering. For instance, finding things that are going well in your life may help you challenge the belief that you are especially unlucky or cursed. It may help you realize that all those “lucky bastards” with cars likely have their own struggles and misfortunes, many of which you probably don’t have or aren’t currently dealing with. This is not using positivity to stuff your feelings; it’s using positivity to create a more realistic perception of what is happening. This, in turn, can help prevent you from falling into a downward spiral of self-pity. It’s getting in touch with reality, not covering your reality in a sickly-sweet fondant of forced happiness.
Maintaining reality-based thinking is about seeing the whole picture and avoiding distorted thoughts so that we don’t create our own imaginary negative experiences on top of our real ones. Negative events are tough enough on their own. They are made worse by our tendency to engage in repetitive, extreme thinking about them. If a friend stops calling you, that’s sad. If you believe you’re an unlovable person because your friend stopped calling you, that’s self-created shame on top of your sadness. Your friend not calling you is a harsh reality, your perceived unlovability is not a reality, but a distortion. Experience your reality, challenge your distortions.
Happy Thanksgiving.