The 4 Styles of Communication and When to Use Them

Communication is a complicated subject with a lot of nuances. Multiple books could be (and have been) written on the subject.Still, when it comes to styles of communication, there are only four major categories: aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. We'll go into all four and when it's OK to use each one.

Aggressive

What it is: Aggressive communication is communication that is hostile and uses things like intimidation, hostility, and force to get a message across. Everything from name-calling to physical assault can be considered aggressive communication. It is the most destructive form of communication you can engage in. It may bring short-term results, but the long-term effects are often devastating.When to use it: Aggressive communication doesn't have a place in most situations. The only exception is when you or a loved one is in immediate danger of being harmed.

Passive

What it is: Passive communication is pretty much what it sounds like. It's letting things happen without doing anything about it. Someone who is a passive communicator will often be seen as lacking confidence or a strong sense of identity. An example of passive communication is saying nothing when you've been mistreated by someone.When to use it: Passive communication is a useful tool in some situations, though it's problematic if used too often. If you're never passive, you may push people away by making everything an issue. If you're always passive, you may be mistreated and used by others who take advantage of people who don't stand up for themselves.Passive communication is best used in situations when you need to pick your battles. An example might be the 5th time your spouse forgets to separate the white clothing from the bright clothing when doing the laundry. You can bring the issue up a few times, but eventually, it may be necessary to let go and deal with the frustration some other way.

Passive-Aggressive

What it is: Passive-aggressive communication is a bit complicated to describe. It's not always easy to spot when it's happening to you, but it's a bit easier to tell when you're doing it yourself. It's basically a way of trying to cause someone harm that is indirect or allows you to deny responsibility. An example might be purposefully misplacing an item to annoy someone or using subtle sarcasm to get under someone's skin.When to use it: Never. There is honestly no good reason I can think of to use this form of communication. If you can think of one, please email me and let me know. I'm curious what purpose passive-aggressive communication would serve that couldn't be better accomplished with assertive communication.

Assertive

What it is: Assertive communication is the most refined, effective, and difficult-to-master category of communication. It involves speaking your truth in a way that is respectful, yet firm and direct. An example would be if someone made a rude comment to you and you responded by simply telling them that their comment is unacceptable and can't happen again. While assertive communication may not be as effective in the short-term as aggressive communication, it helps you keep your side of the street clean. Going back to the same example, if you punched the person in the face for making a rude comment, he or she may not make rude comments again in the future, but you're likely to get into trouble yourself. The same goes for making threats or using other forms of aggression.When to use it: As often as possible. Remember that assertive communication can still be friendly and warm 99% of the time. It isn't always cold and harsh (though it can be when necessary).Once you get a good grasp on all four of these communication styles, you'll be able to identify when you're using each one and adjust your communication as necessary. Notice you're letting too many things slide? Practice some assertive communication instead. Notice you're being loud and aggressive when you're annoyed? How can you say the same thing in a calm and direct tone that might get you better results and make you less likely to experience negative consequences?Learn these styles of communication so you can self-reflect and continue to refine your own communication skills.Want to learn more about communication skills? Check out my newest book on Amazon. It goes in-depth into the topic of communication in various life settings.